


Sixty-Nine and a Half Dildos

by rexyplexy



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Dildos, F/F, Nonsense
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-18
Updated: 2016-05-18
Packaged: 2018-06-09 07:11:34
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,401
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6895027
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rexyplexy/pseuds/rexyplexy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Vro really shouldn't shop online when drunk.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Sixty-Nine and a Half Dildos

**Author's Note:**

> Also known as “Shitpost: the Short Story”. This is based off of a horrible yet humorous conversation that I had with my friend once.
> 
> Fossil belongs to OpalizedFossil on Tumblr and Vro belongs to me.

It was a couple of hours after noon by the time Opalized Fossil stirred awake, heavily hung over from the kick ass party that she had went to the night before, who knew that Hollywood had been right in their assumptions of wild college parties. Hung over, she lazily rolled off of the couch that was located in her dormitory’s lobby area, checking her phone she realized that is was already one o'clock in the after noon; it was probably a good thing that she didn’t have any classes today. Dragging herself to her feet, taking note of the trashed room and several other unconscious bodies, she decided to make her way back to her own room to finish sleeping in her own much more comfortable bed.

Fossil stumbled down her hallway briefly wondering if her roommate, whom was also her best friend, had made it back to the room alright, but then she stopped once she reached the door and let out an annoyed sigh. The unconscious form of Lapis Lazuli was blocking her path and the taller woman didn’t feel like dealing with her shit today; why couldn’t she just pass out on her own door? Very gently, but not really, Fossil grabbed a hold of Lapis’ wrists and pulled her over to the door across the hall from her’s; let the little she-devil be somebody else’s problem.

Now with that, quite literally, out of the way Fossil was now able to open up her door and enjoy the sweet release of slumber. Except that once she saw the condition that the room was in, she realized that she would not be getting any rest at all this day.

Dildos. There were dildos everywhere.

Now, Fossil was the farthest thing from a prude as possible, but even the sight of this made her mouth drop open in speechless surprise. There were so many dildos scattered through out the room, all of varying shapes and sizes and of a variety of colors; it was like a rainbow of dildos. Fossil felt a tear well up in her eye, what a beautiful sight.

In the midst of all of the dildos, sat her roommate with a bunch of empty boxes surrounding her. The pale skinned woman held her head in her hands almost as if she had accepted the defeat, for a split second Fossil wondered if her best friend had lost a battle to all of these dildos; what did she miss while she was passed out all day in the lobby?

Most people wouldn’t believe that this would be the type of behavior from somebody who’s parents had horrifically named them "Virgin", but alas Fossil knew her roommate better than anybody and this is the exact time of thing that Virgin Rainbow Opal, or Vro as she liked to be called, would do. Though to her credit, the woman had never done anything to this exact scale before.

"Woah, what-" Fossil was about to ask, but stopped herself when she remembered that she was standing on Vro’s deaf ear, so instead she slowly trotted over and gently prodded at her friend’s side. Vro quickly looked up with a look of horror, her pink-tinted eyes appearing to be even redder as though she had been crying. At a loss for words, Fossil motioned to the field of dildos that sat all around them, on the shelves, on both of their beds, and even on the floor which Fossil would later have to scold Vro for due to sanitary reasons.

"I drunk shopped online again, Fossil!" Vro said with a heart-broken wail as she glanced over towards her smartphone that sat right besides her. "My parents are going to kill me if they find out, oh good god, what am I going to do with all of these things?"

Fossil held back the urge to tell Vro what exactly they could do with all of these dildos and instead, she shoved some of the boxes over and sat beside her friend, giving her a supportive pat on the back.

"We really need to lock your phone away when we party." Fossil stated, though she knew that it wasn’t going to happen since safety was always a top priority. Vro nodded in a response and wrapped her arms around Fossil’s neck as she hid her face in the other woman’s shirt, it was so clear that her sensitive friend was very distressed by this. "How…. How did they even get here this fast?"

"I sprung for over-night shipping." Vro sniffled. You know, when Fossil found out that her college roommate was going to be some little rich girl whose parents had millions, named Virgin of all things, a partier with a love for sex just like Fossil herself was not what she had been expecting.

"Don’t worry, we’ll think of something, we always do." Fossil responded as she patted Vro on the back, taking another glance around at the army of dildos. It was then that she spotted an unusual bright blue dildo that was kind of shaped like a dolphin and it gave her an idea quite instantly. "Wait, I’ve got it!" Vro leaned back to give Fossil a questioning glance.

"We don’t need to keep or hide all of these, we can just give them away to all of our friends as gifts. If you’re okay with that, that is." Fossil explained, while Vro still looked unsure.

"But my parents?"

"Look, your parents didn’t question it when you bought forty-eight large totes of Lucky Charm marshmallows in bulk, so I doubt they’ll bring this up." The taller woman went on as a small smile grew on the other’s face.

"This is a great idea!" Vro exclaimed as Fossil gently pushed the other woman’s pure white hair out of her face to get a better look of her happy expression, which Fossil could honestly never get enough of.

"Alright, then." Fossil said as she motioned towards all of the dildos. "Let’s get to work."

—-

"I cannot believe that you actually purchased sixty-nine dildos, of all things." Fossil was saying as she and Vro made their way around their dormitory carrying many neatly wrapped dildos; it was probably a good thing that Vro had a lot of art classes, who knew that these skills would one day come in handy?

"I guess, drunk me is just as much as a pervert as I am." Vro said with a carefree shrug, she was doing much better now that their friends were actually accepting the gifts and they now had much less dildos to deal with. "I still can’t believe how offended Pearl looked though."

"I know right, like, you didn’t have to take our gift dildo, but she did." Fossil said with a snicker as the two turned a corner and came upon another door.

"Maybe you shouldn’t have tried to give her the largest one that I bought." Vro responded with a little bit of a hint at sarcasm as she wrapped her hand against the dorm’s door, Fossil simply shrugged as the two heard a slight commotion followed by an angry grumble coming from the other side. Once the door opened, the duo both instinctually looked down at the tiny blonde that had answered, her hair looking exceptionally messy today along with the rather dark circles around her eyes. From somewhere behind her, the sound of a shower could be heard running.

"Oh great, what do you two want now?" She asked, her voice sounding both annoyed and sleep deprived.

"Good morning, Peridot!" Vro said, her voice sporting a chipper contrast to the other woman’s crabby mood.

"It’s after-noon." Peridot responded with narrowed eyes.

"You seem more angrier than usual." Fossil pointed out, also taking note that the sound of the shower had suddenly stopped.

"Probably because of your wild party keeping me up all night long." Peridot snapped, probably a bit too loudly as a voice could be heard coming from the bathroom then.

"Who’s here?!" It shouted.

"None of your damn business!" Peridot yelled back, making both Vro and Fossil flinch has they still weren’t entirely over their hangovers. However, that didn’t stop the smirk that appeared on Fossil’s face.

"Oh really now, Peri? Was the party the only thing to keep you up?" Fossil chuckled, receiving a glare from the short woman just as the door was roughly shoved aside. Lapis Lazuli made her presence known by leaning up against the door frame, wearing nothing but a loose fitting tank top and lacy blue underwear.

"So what’s going on here?" The tan woman asked, her blue hair still damp from her shower.

"Oh, I see your dog made it home, Peridot." Fossil said with a friendly smile, otherwise ignoring Lapis, Vro laughed as Lapis narrowed her eyes.

"I was just about to tell Virgin the same thing." Lapis responded coolly, both Vro and Peridot nervously looked back and forth between the feuding students; how long had they been going at this now? No body even remembered how it started, but everyone had a feeling that it was because of a threesome gone wrong.

Either way, they didn’t exactly get along.

"Look we don’t want any trouble, we’ve actually come barring gifts." Vro said to ease up some of the tension that had grown around the group. "Consider it as an apology for being such shitty neighbors." This seemed to work as the two women in front of them glanced at each other before looking over at the number of items that the other duo was carrying.

"You have our attention." Peridot stated while Lapis leaned forward to look at the gifts curiously. Vro nodded and turned towards Fossil, looking through the various bags that they held to find the ones that they had picked out for their two friends. Vro stood back up once she had two wrapped gifts, the items’ shapes entirely suspicious; the pale woman turned and handed them over. Lapis Lazuli was the first one to rip open her gift, right after she removed the cute blue ribbon that was tied around it of course, and as soon as she did a large grin appeared on her face.

"Oh how cute and thoughtful as well." Lapis said as she examined the dolphin dildo, a small hum escaping her lips. "I’ll use it right after classes tonight, thank-you."

"Is that a-" Peridot tailed off her eyes wide as she now looked down to her own gift, still wrapped; now that she had seen Lapis’ she knew what it was, but their was only one question brimming on her mind. "Why is mine so large?!"

The surrounding group all chuckled, aside from the very bewildered Peridot. Fossil gently leaned down to be more at Peridot’s height level as she gave the smaller woman a genuine smile.

"Because you deserve to have a little fun once in awhile, Peridot." She said honestly, though that didn’t seem to ease up on the small woman as she examined the large dildo in her hands. A brief smile appeared on Lapis’ face as she leaned over to rub up against her roommate slight.

"Trust me, it’ll fit." The blue haired woman purred, her lips brushing up against Peridot’s ear as the smaller woman let out a small squeak, her legs beginning to quiver.

"Whelp, we’ll leave you two at it, have fun." Vro said with a wink as Lapis gave a wave, Peridot seeming to be a little bit too distracted at the moment to say anything.

"We appreciate it, thank-you for thinking of us." Lapis responded, her voice monotone as she reached over and shut the door on the two, though for once they didn’t take any offense towards it. Especially now that there was another kind of commotion coming from the other side of the door.

"Well, I think we’re about half-way done with deliveries so let’s hurry up and do them." Vro said looking over at Fossil, whom responded with a nod; the two then continued on with their dildo journey, a pep to their steps.

—-

"Man, who knew that dildos could bring such big smiles to the faces of distressed college students." Fossil said as they walked along, their arms now free from sin. "We’re like Santa Claus…. If Santa Claus delivered dildos. The Santa Clauses of dildos, if you will."

"Delivering dildos to all the naughty college students of the world." Vro said, her voice dream like which soon disappeared as a frown grew on her face. "I’m still kind of sad that we could find Jasper though, I really wanted to give her one."

"Naw, I’m perfectly okay with being the only dildo that Jasper’s ever going to need." Fossil stated, completely seriously.

"Fossil, that doesn’t even make any- Ah, who cares, I’m just glad that I’ve gotten rid of all of those dildos." Vro said as the duo returned to their room, shutting the door on their way. "Thanks a bunch for your help."

"No problem." Fossil said as she turned towards all of the boxes that the dildos had come in, deciding that it might be a good idea to take them out to the trash now. However, as she peered into one of the boxes, the woman let out a sharp gasp which was quick to get Vro’s attention.

"What, what is it?!" Vro asked, suddenly worried.

"Oh it’s nothing major, we just forgot one." Fossil said turning to face Vro while holding up the dildo in her palm.

"What is that, a clitoris?" Vro said, one eye-brow raised as Fossil gave a chuckle.

"No, it’s a dick, just a very tiny and nub-like dick." The taller woman said as she waved it around, a devilish smile appearing on her face. "I think it’s very cute, let’s keep it."

"And…. And what exactly are we going to do with it?" Vro said as her own smirk appeared on her face, a light blush adding color to her pale cheeks. Fossil let out a deep growl as grabbed a hold of Vro’s waist, pulling the shorter woman up against her which received such a nice sounding groan from her white-haired friend. Vro wrapped her arms around Fossil instantly as the other woman fondled with the dildo in her hands, the grin never leaving her face.

"I can definitely think of a few things…."


End file.
